by John El-Mokadem

Dear Friends

Yes its that time of year again when many of us set goals for the year ahead.  What, if any goals have you set?  Are there any similarities to those that you wrote last year?  If there are, did you think about why you may not have achieved those goals?  I was talking to a friend of mine who was telling me he was writing his goals for the New Year, and that he was looking through his goals from the previous year, letting go of those that he had not achieved and had not done anything about. 

It got me thinking why do people write goals that they don’t follow up on?  Or worse, goals that they set and then struggle hard to achieve and then end up feeling empty with their accomplishment, with a feeling of “Is this all there is”?  For me the reason this happens is that the goals people set are at odds with what it is that they really want.  When people first start coaching with me they have often set goals to earn more money, grow their business or get a promotion.  Often they have struggled and struggled to try and achieve these goals but keep falling short and so hire a coach to try to help them achieve these goals. 

One of the first things I do with new clients who I coach is go through the list of goals they have set in their questionnaire and ask them, “Why do you want this?...What will it mean and who will you be if you achieved this”?  Eventually, I hear answers like “I will feel happy”, “I will be loved” or “I will feel fulfilled”, which represent the essence of the goal they had set.  My next question usually ends up being something like “What could you do right NOW that would bring you happiness/fulfilment/love (whatever the essence was that they answered), whether is it related or unrelated to the initial goal”?  Two things usually happen – either: 

1.     The client comes up with a list of things that they know that they could do that they have been blocking themselves from doing because “it doesn’t make sense” or “that’s not who I am”, and we work on clearing those blocks so that they can experience what they want right now.

2.     The client has no idea what needs to happen for them to be the essence of the goal they had set and we work on getting them in touch with what is actually important to them and clear the blocks to help them live that. 

Sometimes we find that the material things that people have set in their original goals do materialise but often in an unexpected and perhaps serendipitous way, simply as a function of the client ‘being’ who they want to be and having clarity over the essence of what it was they really wanted.  Other times we find that those things don’t materialise but the client isn’t bothered, because they are ‘being’ the essence of what they wanted anyway! In both cases though, what is clear is that what the client actually wanted is to be something that they are not (e.g. happy, fulfilled, or loved e.t.c), and that it is possible to experience that NOW in the present rather than allowing ourselves to experience in the future when we achieve a goal. 

In my experience of working with successful people, I have found that it is very important to have clarity over why we are really setting goals and what is really important to us, so that we can avoid struggling and achieving goals that leave us empty.  So this month I ask you to look at your goals for the New Year in a different way.  Take a piece of paper and answer the following questions: 

1)  Who am I currently committed to being at the moment in my everyday life?   (Are you happy and fulfilled? Are you unhappy but safe?  Are you wealthy but miserable?)

2)  Is this who I really am and how I want to be?

3) Write down what you think you want for the next year?

4) Ask yourself – why do I want this?  What is the essence of what I am hoping the achievement of this goal will give me?  Keep asking this question until you get to the sense of who you would be and do this for each goal you have set.  Is it happiness you are after?  A sense of passion maybe?  Or do you want to make a difference perhaps, and if so who to and how specifically? 

5)  Ask yourself – what can I do right NOW to be and express that essence?  So for example, if it is love you want ask yourself "What can I do right now to be and express more love?" List all the things you can think of and don’t stop until you find something that inspires you.  If it helps, remember what it was like to do something that inspires you so that you can feel that feeling again, and then write your list.  When you have done your list, pick the most inspiring thing and then I then encourage you to do that!

More than likely your mind will come up with several objections to why you can’t do what you came up with in step 5.  These are the things, outcomes, fears, concepts, ideas, beliefs and sense of identity that you need to let go of.  Feel how holding onto those things makes you feel without resisting and then keep asking yourself – do I want to hold onto this and feel how I currently feel, or am I ready to let go of these things, outcomes, fears, concepts, ideas, beliefs or sense of identity and give who I am? 

With love for a peaceful and above all FULFILLED New Year.

John.

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